How angry led to a better me…

I’ve told this story many times, usually as a demonstration of the trials and tribulations in life.

Back story then – I moved to NZ when I was 33. I loved it but for various reasons my wife did not. She asked to move back to the UK to which I acquiesced – we had only planned to go away for a year after all.

So I said: “let’s go via Australia and Canada on the way back…”

As life has a tendency to do a job came up in Australia pretty fast and before I knew it we had moved.

For some reason I had it in my head that Australia would be similar to NZ. In that I was somewhat naive. Turned out the differences were a problem – I had expected to be in Aus for a couple of years but my wife had just wanted to be out of NZ. She was quite happy with Australia. I very much wasn’t.

The health system in Australia may be very good but it has inequity and some poor behaviours driven by pecuniary interests. Turns out I am a closet socialist. I disagree with the politics, specifically where environmental policy lies, I couldn’t handle the scorching hot summers, but mainly I just missed NZ.

Despite a good anaesthetic department the management in general (this was 10 years ago) of the theatre suite was, at times, tiresome.

But worst of all, purely by luck, in New Zealand I had made great friends and found my niche in a department I loved.

So I had lost a whole lot in my eyes. And I was angry. I wasn’t depressed I was angry. I really didn’t want to go to work, I struggled being a dad (still do – another blog!), I came home and took it out on the family.

We went to a mediator to thrash it out. Return to NZ = unhappy wife, stay in Aus = unhappy Gav. Maybe return to UK? Too wet, too crowded.

Canada then? Too hard, as it turned out.

This went on for three years in essence, that’s a long time to be cross at the world.

I can’t remember how I came across this TED talk: https://youtu.be/GXy__kBVq1M but this is what saved me.

It’s essentially the first chapter of his book which I subsequently bought. I discovered the realm of “positive psychology” now a not uncommon buzzword. But a bit of a revelation to me back then. Who knew that positive psychology was a thing? And how had I never come across this at medical school or during my post graduate training?

Because my circumstances weren’t going to change – I had to change. I’m not a pessimist, my personality is the kind that tends to “fall up” (rather than fall down) but I needed some help.

The first step was to change my outlook. So instead of heading to work hating my day before I got there, unable to see past a busy day, with perhaps some objectionable personalities, the unlikelihood of a break, I changed my outlook. (Or changed my frame as we’d say in simulation circles.)

The sun is shining as I walk in, I have a registrar so I will get a break, the list has interesting cases, the team is a good one, I should finish on time. I’m not on call.

Slowly, slowly I dug my head out of the rut. I started to see the life around me a bit more. Exercised. Made an effort to be social.

I was doing much more medical simulation at the time – and debriefing skills came to the fore to allow me to manage conflict better when on the shop floor. I became aware of civility as a notion. That the benefit of the doubt should be our starting premise when dealing with hungry, angry, late, tired, ill colleagues.

And at about the same time I started my journey on twitter. This taught me that language is more important than I ever imagined, that I am a privileged, white, heterosexual, well educated, wealthy male. i.e. I have a lot to be thankful for.

I discovered that exercise is the key to physical health. I discovered that your social circle is the key to psychological health – surround yourself with people that you like and who like you.

I only wish I had learnt some of these keys earlier in life. I’m happy that I get to impart this knowledge to my children at a young age. I don’t think they hear it now but I know that it’ll help them as they take on their lives.

So the moral of the story? I’m a better man for my mid life crisis. I’m less angry, less judgemental, less materialistic (although I do like cars and watches…), I travel as much as I can afford and my family comes with me. I know that making an effort for your friends pays unquantifiable dividends.

I know that a beer with a buddy, a chat with a coffee is the best currency on earth …